Know Your Blind Spots
Adult children of alcoholic parents are wise to figure out their own blind spots when they become parents themselves. Although you grew up in a home with one or both of your parents being alcoholics, you want to be certain that you provide a better atmosphere for your own children to grow and thrive in. Adult children of alcoholic parents share certain blind spots while parenting their own children. You know the pain of growing up in an alcoholic home and you know the ways you learned to cope with growing up in that situation. You may have become a miniature adult, a caretaker, and a super responsible little person. Adult children of alcoholic parents often play the role of the “parentified child.”
Or you might have become the troublemaker or clown to compensate. Maybe you were the peacemaker or the one who never made a fuss and just went along with the program. You may have suffered – not only mental and emotional abuse – but also possibly physical or sexual abuse. You might have felt the disappointment of lies and broken promises or been scared of abandonment. You may have avoided getting too close to anyone for fear that they would go away or neglect you. As tough as it was to grow up like this, you know that’s not the way you want your own children to live. Good for you! You’ve committed to giving your kids a better, healthier, happier life. In that case, it’s important for you to seek out alcoholic help for families and to know where your blind spots might be. What might be your stumbling blocks to giving your kids the best life possible? Adult children of alcoholic parents may find it difficult to break their childhood patterns of coping with life. This is something that you’ll need to pay close attention to when dealing with your own children. Adult children of alcoholic parents carry a heavier load as moms and dads, but they can also discover that they have a lot of support in striving to create a better home atmosphere. You need to look at your current patterns of behavior. If you were the clown or the troublemaker, are you still carrying around those characteristics, and if so, are they causing problems?
Mark the Clown
Little Mark as a 4th grader learned to be a clown to diffuse Dad’s anger when he was about to explode. Mark also learned to be hyper alert to changes in Dad’s facial expressions so that he would know when to start entertaining his Dad. People like Mark as adult children of alcoholic parents often find that their coping mechanisms become obsolete or downright dysfunctional when they trying to navigate parenting themselves. A clown can be fun to be around, but are you also irresponsible? A troublemaker who hasn’t learned to stay out of trouble may be leading a life of legal troubles – not a good example to set for your kids, and certainly not nice for them if they can’t see you because you’re incarcerated.
If you’re a perfectionist as a result of being the responsible “parent” in your childhood home, are you demanding too much from your little ones, who are still learning about life through play and fun? Or have you become an adult doormat who just goes along with the program because you don’t want to make waves? None of these methods are terribly healthy for you or your children. Certainly a dose of humor, responsibility and ability to go with the flow is important for everyone. Even raising Cain once in awhile is probably something that everyone does, even the most emotionally healthy people, now and then.
It Helped You Cope Then; It’s Dysfunctional Now
Your blind spot might come from still being that person that you were as a child of an alcoholic household. That worked for you then, but now, as a parent, it might be more detrimental than anything. If you are an adult child of an alcoholic and you have children yourself, don’t be afraid to get help. Because there are so many adult children of alcoholic parents, it’s usually possible to find resources and help. Making use of help for adult children of alcoholic parents is an important step in recovery in creating a healthy, happy home. Your family is depending on you to do what you can to help yourself deal with your childhood in a way that makes you into a happier, healthier person – for your sake and your family’s.
